CUSINS. Oh, they are accustomed to these sudden ecstasies of piety. However, if the drum worries you (he pockets the drumsticks; unhooks the drum; and stands it on the ground opposite the gateway).
UNDERSHAFT. Thank you.
CUSINS. You remember what Euripides says about your money and gunpowder?
One and another
In money and guns may outpass his brother;
And men in their millions float and flow
And seethe with a million hopes as leaven;
And they win their will; or they miss their win;
And their hopes are dead or are pined for still;
But whoe'er can know
As the long days go
That to live is happy, has found h i s heaven.
My translation: what do you think of it?
UNDERSHAFT. I think, my friend, that if you wish to know, as the long days go, that to live is happy, you must first acquire money enough for a decent life, and power enough to be your own master.
CUSINS. You are damnably discouraging. (He resumes his declamation.)
Is it so hard a thing to see
That the spirit of God--whate'er it be--
The Law that abides and changes not, ages long,
The Eternal and Nature-born: t h e s e things be strong?
What else is Wisdom? What of Man's endeavor,
Or God's high grace so lovely and so great?
To stand from fear set free? to breathe and wait?
To hold a hand uplifted over Fate?
And shall not Barbara be loved for ever?
UNDERSHAFT. Euripides mentions Barbara, does he?
CUSINS. It is a fair translation. The word means Loveliness.
UNDERSHAFT. May I ask -- as Barbara's father -- how much a year she is to be loved for ever on?
CUSINS. As Barbara's father, that is more your affair than mine. I can feed her by teaching Greek: that is about all.
UNDERSHAFT. Do you consider it a good match for her?
CUSINS (with polite obstinacy). Mr. Undershaft: I am in many ways a weak, timid, ineffectual person; and my health is far from satisfactory. But whenever I feel that I must have anything, I get it, sooner or later. I feel that way about Barbara. I dont like marriage: I feel intensely afraid of it; and I dont know what I shall do with Barbara or what she will do with me. But I feel that I and nobody else must marry her. Please regard that as settled. Not that I wish to be arbitrary; but why should I waste your time in discussing what is inevitable?
UNDERSHAFT. You mean that you will stick at nothing: not even the conversion of the Salvation Army to the worship of Dionysos.
CUSINS. The business of the Salvation Army is to save, not to wrangle about the name of the pathfinder. Dionysos or another: what does it matter?
UNDERSHAFT (rising and approaching him). Professor Cusins: you are a young man after my own heart.
CUSINS. Mr. Undershaft: you are, as far as I am able to gather, a most infernal old rascal; but you appeal very strongly to my sense of ironic humor.
Undershaft mutely offers his hand. They shake.
UNDERSHAFT (suddenly concentrating himself ). And now to business.
CUSINS. Pardon me. We were discussing religion. Why go back to such an uninteresting and unimportant subject as business?
UNDERSHAFT. Religion is ours business at present, because it is through religion alone that we can win Barbara.
CUSINS. Have you, too, fallen in love with Barbara?
UNDERSHAFT. Yes, with a father's love.
CUSINS. A father's love for a grown-up daughter is the most dangerous of all infatuations. I apologize for mentioning my own pale, coy, mistrustful fancy in the same breath with it.
UNDERSHAFT. Keep to the point. We have to win her; and we are neither of us Methodists.
CUSINS. That doesnt matter. The power Barbara wields here -- the power that wields Barbara herself -- is not Calvinism, not Presbyterianism, not Methodism --
UNDERSHAFT. Not Greek Paganism either, eh?
CUSINS. I admit that. Barbara is quite original in her religion.
UNDERSHAFT (triumphantly). Aha! Barbara Undershaft would be. Her inspiration comes from within herself.
CUSINS. How do you suppose it got there?
UNDERSHAFT (in towering excitement). It is the Undershaft inheritance. I shall hand on my torch to my daughter. She shall make my converts and preach my gospel --
CUSINS. What! Money and gunpowder!
UNDERSHAFT. Yes, money and gunpowder; freedom and power; command of life and command of death.
CUSINS (urbanely: trying to bring him dotter to earth). This is extremely interesting, Mr. Undershaft. Of course you know that you are mad.
UNDERSHAFT (with redoubled force). And you?
CUSINS. Oh, mad as a hatter. You are welcome to my secret since I have discovered yours. But I am astonished. Can a madman make cannons?
UNDERSHAFT. Would anyone else than a madman make them? And now (with surging energy) question for question. Can a sane man translate Euripides?
UNDERSHAFT (seizing him by the shoulder). Can a sane woman make a man of a waster or a woman of a worm?
CUSINS (reeling before the storm). Father Colossus -- Mammoth Millionaire --
UNDERSHAFT (pressing him). Are there two mad people or three in this Salvation shelter to-day?
CUSINS. You mean Barbara is as mad as we are!
UNDERSHAFT (pushing him lightly off and resuming his equanimity suddenly and completely). Pooh, Professor! let us call things by their proper names. I am a millionaire; you are a poet; Barbara is a savior of souls. What have we three to do with the common mob of slaves and idolaters? (He sits down again with a shrug of contempt for the mob.)
CUSINS. Take care! Barbara is in love with the common people. So am I. Have you never felt the romance of that love?
UNDERSHAFT (cold and sardonic). Have you ever been in love with Poverty, like St. Francis? Have you ever been in love with Dirt, like St. Simeon? Have you ever been in love with disease and suffering, like our nurses and philanthropists? Such passions are not virtues, but the most unnatural of all the vices. This love of the common people may please an earl's granddaughter and a university professor; but I have been a common man and a poor man; and it has no romance for me. Leave it to the poor to pretend that poverty is a blessing: leave it to the coward to make a religion of his cowardice by preaching humility: we know better than that. We three must stand together above the common people: how else can we help their children to climb up beside us? Barbara must belong to us, not to the Salvation Army.
CUSINS. Well, I can only say that if you think you will get her away from the Salvation Army by talking to her as you have been talking to me, you dont know Barbara.
UNDERSHAFT. My friend: I never ask for what I can buy.
CUSINS (in a white fury). Do I understand you to imply that you can buy Barbara?
UNDERSHAFT. No; but I can buy the Salvation Army.
CUSINS. Quite impossible.
UNDERSHAFT. You shall see. All religious organizations exist by selling themselves to the rich.
CUSINS. Not the Army. That is the Church of the poor.
UNDERSHAFT. All the more reason for buying it.
CUSINS. I dont think you quite know what the Army does for the poor.
UNDERSHAFT. Oh yes I do. It draws their teeth: that is enough for me -- as a man of business --
CUSINS. Nonsense. It makes them sober --
UNDERSHAFT. I prefer sober workmen. The profits are larger.
CUSINS. -- honest --
UNDERSHAFT. Honest workmen are the most economical.
CUSINS. -- attached to their homes --
UNDERSHAFT. So much the better: they will put up with anything sooner than change their shop.
CUSINS. -- happy --
UNDERSHAFT. An invaluable safeguard against revolution.
CUSINS. -- unselfish --
UNDERSHAFT. Indifferent to their own interests, which suits me exactly.
CUSINS. -- with their thoughts on heavenly things --
UNDERSHAFT (rising). And not on Trade Unionism nor Socialism. Excellent.