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CHAPTER XXI

When Miltoun left Valleys House he walked in the direction of
Westminster. During the five days that he had been back in London he
had not yet entered the House of Commons. After the seclusion of his
illness, he still felt a yearning, almost painful, towards the
movement and stir of the town. Everything he heard and saw made an
intensely vivid impression. The lions in Trafalgar Square, the great
buildings of Whitehall, filled him with a sort of exultation. He was
like a man, who, after a long sea voyage, first catches sight of
land, and stands straining his eyes, hardly breathing, taking in one
by one the lost features of that face. He walked on to Westminster
Bridge, and going to an embrasure in the very centre, looked back
towards the towers.

It was said that the love of those towers passed into the blood. It
was said that he who had sat beneath them could never again be quite
the same. Miltoun knew that it was true--desperately true, of
himself. In person he had sat there but three weeks, but in soul he
seemed to have been sitting there hundreds of years. And now he
would sit there no more! An almost frantic desire to free himself
from this coil rose up within him. To be held a prisoner by that
most secret of all his instincts, the instinct for authority! To be
unable to wield authority because to wield authority was to insult
authority. God! It was hard! He turned his back on the towers; and
sought distraction in the faces of the passers-by.

Each of these, he knew, had his struggle to keep self-respect! Or
was it that they were unconscious of struggle or of self-respect, and
just let things drift? They looked like that, most of them! And all
his inherent contempt for the average or common welled up as he
watched them. Yes, they looked like that! Ironically, the sight of
those from whom he had desired the comfort of compromise, served
instead to stimulate that part of him which refused to let him
compromise. They looked soft, soggy, without pride or will, as
though they knew that life was too much for them, and had shamefully
accepted the fact. They so obviously needed to be told what they
might do, and which way they should, go; they would accept orders as
they accepted their work, or pleasures: And the thought that he was
now debarred from the right to give them orders, rankled in him
furiously. They, in their turn, glanced casually at his tall figure
leaning against the parapet, not knowing how their fate was trembling
in the balance. His thin, sallow face, and hungry eyes gave one or
two of them perhaps a feeling of interest or discomfort; but to most
he was assuredly no more than any other man or woman in the hurly-
burly. That dark figure of conscious power struggling in the fetters
of its own belief in power, was a piece of sculpture they had neither
time nor wish to understand, having no taste for tragedy--for
witnessing the human spirit driven to the wall.

It was five o'clock before Miltoun left the Bridge, and passed, like
an exile, before the gates of Church and State, on his way to his
uncle's Club. He stopped to telegraph to Audrey the time he would be
coming to-morrow afternoon; and on leaving the Post-Office, noticed
in the window of the adjoining shop some reproductions of old Italian
masterpieces, amongst them one of Botticelli's 'Birth of Venus.' He
had never seen that picture; and, remembering that she had told him
it was her favourite, he stopped to look at it. Averagely well
versed in such matters, as became one of his caste, Miltoun had not
the power of letting a work of art insidiously steal the private self
from his soul, and replace it with the self of all the world; and he
examined this far-famed presentment of the heathen goddess with
aloofness, even irritation. The drawing of the body seemed to him
crude, the whole picture a little flat and Early; he did not like the
figure of the Flora. The golden serenity, and tenderness, of which
she had spoken, left him cold. Then he found himself looking at the
face, and slowly, but with uncanny certainty, began to feel that he
was looking at the face of Audrey herself. The hair was golden and
different, the eyes grey and different, the mouth a little fuller;
yet--it was her face; the same oval shape, the same far-apart, arched
brows, the same strangely tender, elusive spirit. And, as though
offended, he turned and walked on. In the window of that little shop
was the effigy of her for whom he had bartered away his life--the
incarnation of passive and entwining love, that gentle creature, who
had given herself to him so utterly, for whom love, and the flowers,
and trees, and birds, music, the sky, and the quick-flowing streams,
were all-sufficing; and who, like the goddess in the picture, seemed
wondering at her own existence. He had a sudden glimpse of
understanding, strange indeed in one who had so little power of
seeing into others' hearts: Ought she ever to have been born into a
world like this? But the flash of insight yielded quickly to that
sickening consciousness of his own position, which never left him
now. Whatever else he did, he must get rid of that malaise! But
what could he do in that coming life? Write books? What sort of
books could he write? Only such as expressed his views of
citizenship, his political and social beliefs. As well remain
sitting and speaking beneath those towers! He could never join the
happy band of artists, those soft and indeterminate spirits, for whom
barriers had no meaning, content-to understand, interpret, and
create. What should he be doing in that galley? The thought was
inconceivable. A career at the Bar--yes, he might take that up; but
to what end? To become a judge! As well continue to sit beneath
those towers! Too late for diplomacy. Too late for the Army;
besides, he had not the faintest taste for military glory. Bury
himself in the country like Uncle Dennis, and administer one of his
father's estates? It would be death. Go amongst the poor? For a
moment he thought he had found a new vocation. But in what capacity
--to order their lives, when he himself could not order his own; or,
as a mere conduit pipe for money, when he believed that charity was
rotting the nation to its core? At the head of every avenue stood an
angel or devil with drawn sword. And then there came to him another
thought. Since he was being cast forth from Church and State, could
he not play the fallen spirit like a man--be Lucifer, and destroy!
And instinctively he at once saw himself returning to those towers,
and beneath them crossing the floor; joining the revolutionaries, the
Radicals, the freethinkers, scourging his present Party, the party of
authority and institutions. The idea struck him as supremely comic,
and he laughed out loud in the street....

The Club which Lord Dennis frequented was in St. James's untouched by
the tides of the waters of fashion--steadily swinging to its moorings
in a quiet backwater, and Miltoun found his uncle in the library. He
was reading a volume of Burton's travels, and drinking tea.

"Nobody comes here," he said, "so, in spite of that word on the door,
we shall talk. Waiter, bring some more tea, please."

Impatiently, but with a sort of pity, Miltoun watched Lord Dennis's
urbane movements, wherein old age was, pathetically, trying to make
each little thing seem important, if only to the doer. Nothing his
great-uncle could say would outweigh the warning of his picturesque
old figure! To be a bystander; to see it all go past you; to let
your sword rust in its sheath, as this poor old fellow had done! The
notion of explaining what he had come about was particularly hateful
to Miltoun; but since he had given his word, he nerved himself with
secret anger, and began:

"I promised my mother to ask you a question, Uncle Dennis. You know
of my attachment, I believe?"

Lord Dennis nodded.

"Well, I have joined my life to this lady's. There will be no
scandal, but I consider it my duty to resign my seat, and leave
public life alone. Is that right or wrong according to, your view?"

Lord Dennis looked at his nephew in silence. A faint flush coloured
his brown cheeks. He had the appearance of one travelling in mind
over the past.

"Wrong, I think," he said, at last.

"Why, if I may ask?"

"I have not the pleasure of knowing this lady, and am therefore
somewhat in the dark; but it appears to me that your decision is not
fair to her."

"That is beyond me," said Miltoun.

Lord Dennis answered firmly:

"You have asked me a frank question, expecting a frank answer, I
suppose?"

Miltoun nodded.

"Then, my dear, don't blame me if what I say is unpalatable."

"I shall not."

"Good! You say you are going to give up public life for the sake of
your conscience. I should have no criticism to make if it stopped
there."

He paused, and for quite a minute remained silent, evidently
searching for words to express some intricate thread of thought.

"But it won't, Eustace; the public man in you is far stronger than
the other. You want leadership more than you want love. Your
sacrifice will kill your affection; what you imagine is your loss and
hurt, will prove to be this lady's in the end."

Miltoun smiled.

Lord Dennis continued very dryly and with a touch of malice:

"You are not listening to me; but I can see very well that the
process has begun already underneath. There's a curious streak of
the Jesuit in you, Eustace. What you don't want to see, you won't
look at."

"You advise me, then, to compromise?"

"On the contrary, I point out that you will be compromising if you
try to keep both your conscience and your love. You will be seeking
to have, it both ways."

"That is interesting."

"And you will find yourself having it neither," said Lord Dennis
sharply.

Miltoun rose. "In other words, you, like the others, recommend me to
desert this lady who loves me, and whom I love. And yet, Uncle, they
say that in your own case----"

But Lord Dennis had risen, too, having lost all the appanage and
manner of old age.

"Of my own case," he said bluntly, "we won't talk. I don't advise
you to desert anyone; you quite mistake me. I advise you to know
yourself. And I tell you my opinion of you--you were cut out by
Nature for a statesman, not a lover! There's something dried-up in
you, Eustace; I'm not sure there isn't something dried-up in all our
caste. We've had to do with forms and ceremonies too long. We're
not good at taking the lyrical point of view."

"Unfortunately," said Miltoun, "I cannot, to fit in with a theory of
yours, commit a baseness."

Lord Dennis began pacing up and down. He was keeping his lips closed
very tight.

"A man who gives advice," he said at last, "is always something of a
fool. For all that, you have mistaken mine. I am not so
presumptuous as to attempt to enter the inner chamber of your spirit.
I have merely told you that, in my opinion, it would be more honest
to yourself, and fairer to this lady, to compound with your
conscience, and keep both your love and your public life, than to
pretend that you were capable of sacrificing what I know is the
stronger element in you for the sake of the weaker. You remember the
saying, Democritus I think: 'each man's nature or character is his
fate or God'. I recommend it to you."

For a full minute Miltoun stood without replying, then said:

"I am sorry to have troubled you, Uncle Dennis. A middle policy is
no use to me. Good-bye!" And without shaking hands, he went out.




The Patrician by John Galsworthy
Category:
Contemporary

General Fiction
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